~ insanity is my only means of relaxation

~ every seven minutes of the day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring, and that makes me smile

~ women over 50 don't have babies because if they did they'd put them down somewhere and forget where they left them

~ one of life's mysteries is how a two kilo box of chocolate can make a woman put on five kilos

~ my mind not only wonders, it sometimes leaves completely

~  the best way to forget about all your troubles is to wear tight shoes

~ the nice part about living in a small town is that when you dont' know what you're doing someone else does

~ the older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by that time your body and your fat are really good friends

~ just when i was getting used to yesterday, along came today

~ sometimes i think i understand everything, then i regain consciousness

~ i gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantihose on fire

~ amazing! you hang something in the closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

~ skinny people irritate me, especially when they say things like "you know sometimes, i just forget to eat" - now i've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys,but i've never forgotten to eat. you have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat

~ a friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control, shes had 14 kids but she doesn't mind

~ they keep telling us that we have to get in touch with our bodies. mine isn't all that communicative but i heard from it the other day after i said "body how would you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous training?" clear as hell my body said "listen bitch, do it and die"

~ the rouble with some women is that they get all excited over nothing, then they marry him

~ i read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. are they kidding?! that's my idea of a perfect day

~ i know what victoria's secret is. the secret is that no one over 30 can fit into their stuff

~ if men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing those stupid neck ties? how intellegent is it to start off the day by hanging a noose around their neck?