| trina 的个人资料~Miss Trina~照片日志列表 |  工具  帮助 |
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7月13日 the truthAs I sit here and watch her, my feelings for her are mixed. I want to go up to her and talk to her, but even if she wasn't working I know that I couldn't. I want to embrace her and hate her at the same time, but neither happens, or neither is possible at this moment. I think she knows I'm here, I think she saw me. I've tried desperately to get over her but it doesn't work. I believe that she is amazing, and that if given the chance I could be perfect for her but I know that she will not have me. This fact upsets me terribly, but it is the truth that I have learned to live with.
There was a time where I desperately wanted her, and would have done almost anything to have her. I had her once, but it was not how I wanted. I know alot about her, for someone who has only known her for such a short time. I realised right from the start that I would like her, that I may never be able to have her in the way that I wanted. It was an upsetting realisation but at least I knew it, though it didn't change much. I have been through alot just to have known her so well. I know almost every detail about every boy she's ever liked in the last couple of months, what has happened with it and why she does not like him anymore. I listened to her when she was sad and tried to comfort her although I felt exactly the same way about her. She never knew that, never really knew how I felt. When I told her that I liked her I think she took it as I didnt' like her as much as I did, and I think that she now thinks that I don't like her anymore, or that I didn't that last time when I talked to her while she was working. Yesterday when I saw her I did not talk to her. I wanted to, but then I didn't want to. At that point I did not know how I felt about her. Perhaps she thought I was being rude, that's if she saw me, I'm pretty sure she did.
I know now that what I have done in the last couple of months in regard to her have possibly not been the best things i could have done. I have let far too many people know about my situation, though they only know that there is someone, not with any detail as to who she might actually be. I should have realised that there was absolutely no chance for me to have her and left it at that. I know now that I do not love her, I never have. I have only liked her, and while I have liked her alot, it has not been any great amount of feeling for her and I believe that I did not really want to get over her at whatever moment of time it was. Now I feel different. I can get over her, I never liked her as much as anyone else. I've gotten over people before so this should be no different. I understand that although I've tagged her with the "you're just a little bit more than amazing" line, she is not amazing to me, however amazing she might be. I am over her, I don't really want that much to do with her anymore because all in all it caused just a bit too much of a stir with everyone. I apologise to you, the girl that this is about and you know who you are, and I apologise to everyone else that I got snagged up in my little fancy. 7月11日 i'm not sorrywell the fact of the matter is that this girl that i've been consistantly blogging about for like the last month and a half or whatever is now screwing one of her managers. apparently it was all hush hush when she told my boyfriend about it but now everyone knows, so i feel no remorse in posting it on the internet.
i'm trying ruthlessly to be mean to her so that she can say something not very nice to me so that i can honestly believe she's a bitch and try to get over her. i know that sounds mean but that's my logic. i don't care how she feels because she never cared how i felt and i was there for her when she was so depressed about another boy and i listened to her complain about this guy she liked that didn't like her back and i never said anything about how i felt exactly like that because i liked her and she would never like me back. i know i sound like a complete bitch and i don't care if that's how she thinks of me but the truth is that i like her still but i don't want to anymore. i can't stand knowing that i had her once and that i'll never be able to have her again. she knows how i felt now, when she told someone that i told her that i liked her because her boyfriend, her manager, told that same person something about her, though something not quite so important. though i think she was more annoyed because it was all meant to be kept quiet and he told someone about them two together. i don't mean to be a bitch but i want to get over her and move on because being stuck on her is annoying me cause i don't have a chance in hell with her. i'm not sorry that i'm doing this, if there was a chance that maybe she could like me back then maybe i would be but there's no chance so i'm not sorry. 7月9日 confused...and a little sadwell i'm confused...i think i still like this girl, but she has a boyfriend now. well i mean i knew i never had a chance, well i had hoped but i don't think i should have. she's just like a little bit more than amazing (to use my sisters saying) and i like her alot, and i wanted her. but i shouldn't have been so stupid to even think that i could get her again. i see her alot, she works with my boyfriend and its kinda depressing seeing her so often. i need to get over her but i tried, and i couldn't. i thought i had but then i saw her and it was like all on again. i feel like an idiot when i talk to her, cause she knows i liked her (i don't know if she knows i still do) and i know who her boyfriend is but she doesn't know that. i know i'll sound like the typical jealous type (but i'm not - if you knew the full story you'd understand) but i don't like the fact that she's dating him, its just not right and tom was right in saying that it will end badly because it probably will. probably worse than either of them think considering the position that both of them are in. i know that sounds bad coming from me cause i probably don't know the exact full story either but i'm really not the jealous type. i just like her alot and i know what can happen with what she's doing and i've seen her with guys before and i know how upset she gets. i'm looking out for her but that still doesn't mean that i'm not upset because she's dating someone else...
well i think i might stop blabbing now cause people really don't want to read it but i need somewhere to vent...maybe on bebo 6月9日 forget itso ~ everything you've ever read on here about some chick that i liked ~ you can forget it now...however much i did like her i don't anymore because she did what i absolutely thought she wouldn't because i thought she respected how i feel ~ and i hope, when she spreads my story around her school that she remembers to include the part about her and how she started this 6月7日 i am so sick of thisi am so fucking sick of this...i don't even know what it is.
theres this girl...which by now everyone knows there is someone, but seriously i thought i would be over her by now - she went away for 18 days, she got back on the 26th and i haven't seen her since...well thats not true, i saw her but we haven't seen each other, if you get what i mean. well anyway...i thought that i would not like her anymore but i think i was wrong. i've texted her since she's been back...randomly out of the blue and mainly for no reason. i chatted to her briefly over the phone when tom and i broke up. i've walked past her while she's working. i've thought about her alot, wondering why i always want what i can't have, wondering how she feels but i don't know. well she signed on to msn just then. i got knots in my stomach that were huge...butterflies...nervousness...the whole lot ~ all over someone i thought i didn't like anymore. i sat for a while wondering if i should talk to her...i have no idea how she feels about me but i know its definately not what i feel about her. i thought 'who am i to be shy - i'm never shy' but this was different. i was nervous, and i was shy and it was weird. she left in all of about 5 minutes ~ we didn't talk much.
i'm sick of this running around being crazy. i'm sick of not knowing whether i like her or not...i'm sick of not being able to have her. i'm fucking sick of it...being in this stupid state of limbo is the most frustrating feeling ever. i don't want to like her anymore unless there is a garuntee that i can have her ~ which i can't...so liking her is pointless but i can't seem to get over her. 5月23日 sheShe is like a headache exhausting and painful, yet comfortable and familiar like the headache from being too tired She is like a drug one taste of her and you're addicted you yearn her when you can't have her She is like wildfire she rages and what you think of her is uncontrollable but you don't want to put her out She is like chocolate a guilty obsession that you delight in you can't do without her She is like a badly kept secret you can't help but tell people about her
She is love the ups and downs, the good and the bad the whole rollercoaster she'll take you on her ride and show you the best and the worst time and you'll enjoy it, every moment of being with her she will fool you into a false sense of security when you think it's all over, and then it starts again
But no matter what she is, she is your love she is always there, in the back of your mind and you can't help but love her for all of these reasons
5月21日 if onlyif only you knew how i felt about you ~ if only you loved me the way i love you ~ if only you could see me ~ if only you were here to read this as i write it for you ~ if only we could have that one night back...if only you wanted me that way i want you... i think about you all the time, i can't get you out of my head these tears i cry ~ they're all for you {and you don't even know about them} 5月7日 so sickSo sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing
You were still here
So sick of love songs
So sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
{I want you so bad ~ but you don't know ~ and I can't tell you ~ if only you could see} 5月1日 you know who you are and this is for youWell I looked for a table for this entry but I couldn't find one that said what I want to say, and I don't think the ones from Kittilicious have big enough spaces for what I want to write today. There's only one reason I'm writing this on here, well maybe a couple of reasons but one main one; I can't say it, it's just something I'm not used to saying face to face, or even on msn. You know who you are, though I'm not sure you'd read this, but I've been wrong about that before cause you read the other one. I know you don't want the whole world knowing about what happened so I'll just say it without saying much at all.
So there's something in the back of my head, something that's bugging me and has been for a couple of days now. You wouldn't have realised anything different. You didn't realise how worried I was about when you were upset, or how happy I was when certain things happened. You don't even really know how I feel about you and about it all. I wanted to tell you, and there were other things I wanted to say or do that I didn't, and thinking back maybe I should have at least tried. I was too scared to tell you anything, too scared to try anything. The truth is that I like you alot, actually seeing as you didn't know that at all I better start off with telling you that I like you. You didn't want it to be awkward and I hope this doesn't make it like that for you, if anything it's weird for me because I'm the confused one at the moment. When I asked you what I asked last night and got the answer you gave I was upset - you didn't know that either. I obviously wanted more than you did cause as I gathered it was all about the experience for you. I'm not quite sure what it was about for me, but it was about more than that. When I think about it now I guess that maybe I expected too much and that what I wanted was a little unrealistic, and I should have known that it wouldn't happen. I think that getting to know you so well over the last week led to me liking you so much ~ and maybe I shouldn't have got that close. I'm sorry if all this stuff about me liking you freaks you out or anything. I'm not sure what the friendship status will be, cause I was pretty upset and I don't know what you were thinking about it all, or what you think when you read this. I'd still like to be friends with you cause I think you're a good person but maybe not for a little while cause I don't know how I feel about you yet. I still like you but I can deal with liking people and not getting them ~ it's happened so many times before. Well I guess that's it really. You don't have to say anything to me about it and if you want we can just forget about what happened or that I like you. I understand this might be a little weird for you and I'm sorry if it is.
Kat
xoxo 4月29日 it finally happened!!!Ah well ~ what can I say...Well it happened, not exactly the way I planned it but it was still as awesome as I thought. I didn't plan it, but I knew that when things were arranged as they were all I could do was hope. Tom got it all underway of course ~ and it was fun. I'm extremely tired but really really happy. It was different this morning though ~ but we were in a hurry to get to work {well Tom had to work} and I hope it stays as it was between us cause I really want it to happen again and again and again...yea, it was like that. 4月25日 my emotional icebergI'm never gunna get what I want, like never. Out of the how many times we've tried we come close yesterday. But of course, something come up and now its off again. Now it's off forever cause I'm so sick of trying and then getting hurt cause I'd forced myself to believe that that was really it. It was never it, but even after all the shit I honestly believed that this one was it. It was going smoothly and it was like two inches away infront of my face. It was right there and something had to fuck it up. I don't even know what happened. We were happy yesterday, lunch, shopping, bumming around in the house ~ like what happened? Tom got a message at one this morning 'sorry, something happened, i'm real upset, it's off' and that was it. I sat up crying half the night, and formulated the idea of my emotional iceberg. There's like what Tom can see, the little tiny bit of the iceberg that's above the surface, and then there's the rest of it, hiding underneath that no one sees, that only I can feel. And it feels like shit. I can't even really explain it, it just feels bad. It's like letdown, just being plain upset, a little heartbreak, but I think mainly just feeling stupid for actually believing it was possible. It's not, I knew that after the first try, and every try and fail after that has reinforced it, but I guess I just want to believe it still, you know, have a little hope. I don't think she realises how upset I was. We went there today, I didn't want to but apparently she's more upset than me and Tom wanted to try to cheer her up. She seemed ok, but I wasn't. I didn't want to see her, I didn't want to talk to her, and I really didn't want to think about her side of the story, which we didn't get anyway. It's off forever now, I can accept that it's not going to happen, and while I'm upset about it, I'll get over it. I'm not trying anymore, and I don't want anyone else to try for me. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it, or for anything. Everyone else that wants it seems to get it but me, I just must not be good enough for it, for anyone. It's awkward now, more awkward than it would ever had been, if anything had even happened. I guess you were just scared, just looking for an excuse to get out of it like everyone else does - like that girl who said i wasn't hot enough. That was bad, but I think I cried more over this, cause this was almost happening. Who cares, I'm over it now ~ well trying... 4月8日 тнє ѕωєєтєѕт тнιиgтαℓк тσ нєя ιи тнє мσνιєѕ
нσℓ∂ нєя нαи∂ ωнιℓє уσυ тαℓк тσ нєя
тєℓℓ нєя ѕнє'ѕ вєαυтιfυℓ ℓσσк нєя ιи тнє єує ωнєи уσυ тαℓк тσ нєя
тєℓℓ нєя ѕтυρι∂ נσкєѕ
ℓєт нєя мєѕѕ ωιтн уσυя нαιя
נυѕт ωαℓк αяσυи∂ ωιтн нєя
ℓσσк αт нєя αѕ ιf ѕнє ιѕ тнє σиℓу gιяℓ уσυ ¢αи ѕєє
тι¢кℓє нєя єνєи ωнєи ѕнє ѕαуѕ ѕтσρ
ωнєи ѕнє ѕωєαяѕ αт уσυ тєℓℓ нєя уσυ ℓσνє нєя
ℓєт нєя fαℓℓ αѕℓєєρ ιи уσυя αямѕ
gєт нєя мα∂ αи∂ тнєи кιѕѕ нєя
тєαѕє нєя
ℓєт нєя тєαѕє уσυ вα¢к
кιѕѕ нєя єиσυgн ~ вυт ∂σи'т σνєя кιѕѕ нєя
ѕтαу υρ αℓℓ иιgнт ωιтн нєя ωнєи ѕнє ιѕ ѕι¢к
ωαт¢н нєя fανσυяιтє мσνιєѕ ωιтн нєя єνєи ιf уσυ ∂σи'т ℓιкє тнєм
кιѕѕ нєя fσяєнєα∂
ωяιтє нєя ℓєттєяѕ ιf ѕнє αѕкѕ уσυ тσ gσ тσ α ѕнσω ωιтн нєя ~ gσ ωιтн нєя
ℓєт нєя ωєαя уσυя ¢ℓσтнєѕ
нαиg συт ωιтн нєя ωнєи ѕнє ιѕ ѕα∂
вυу нєя ι¢є ¢яєαм
ℓєт нєя тαкє αℓℓ тнє ρнσтσѕ σf уσυ тнαт ѕнє ωαитѕ
кιѕѕ нєя ιи тнє яαιи
ωнєи уσυ fαℓℓ ιи ℓσνє ωιтн нєя ~ тєℓℓ нєя
3月18日 єνєяу gιяℓѕ ∂яєαм...http://spaces.msn.com/xox-lilbitdevilish-oxo/
http://spaces.msn.com/xox-lilbitdevilish-oxo/
2月15日 The History of Valentine's DayThe history of Valentine's Day, and its patron saint are mysteries. It contains vestages of both Roman and Christian traditions. The Catholic Church recognises three saints named Valentine, or Valentinous, all three of whom were martyred.
One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.
Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured. According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.
Other stories are that Valentine was martyred by the Romans for refusing to give up Christianity, and that he died on February the 14th, leaving a note signed 'from your Valentine' to his jailor's daughter. Commercial Valentines were introduced in the 1800s, now being very commercialised. |
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